Serious Thoughts

Its been a tiring week. Ppl will think that tiring will be running around the whole day, conducting training for ppl that makes me tired. But what i meant by tiring is staring at the computer screen for too long trying to figure out what the heck did my understudy do in his time of service that caused a 200 over thousand dollars worth of repair to the equipment. I was the investigation officer for this case which happens 1 yr ago. How do i know what happen? Even if i was at the place of incident i would have forgotten long time ago. But then a job is a job and I'll have to do it... and do it fast. My big boss wants to see it on Monday. This brings me to what my big boss told me in the afternoon.

I just got my perform bonus letter (well the money was already half spent in acquiring a new handphone) from my big boss this afternoon and had a small talk on my new appointment in the unit -> as QM. He talked about the difficulty in the job and his expectation on me to preform as well as my upperstudy (1WO Amir). To me, this is quite a tall order. Something about my upperstudy. He is one who knows the logistic procedures inside out, outside in. He is one who went to LOGISTIC course and argued with the instructors on the procedures and won comfortably. With due respect, the instructors wanted him to go to SOL to become a instructor. With this kind of reputation, how could I ever be as good as him? I dont even think i can smell his smoke sia... But then something my big boss said that made me changed what i felt. He told me that he found me very slack. Nua as u will say it in hokkien. Procastinate a lot. To tell the truth, I do find myself slacking after my 1st tour as the FLB PC. And that will have to blame some incident that happened. Suddenly, I felt tired and lack of energy. There is not much things that I dream for, hope for, aim for. Suddenly, work becomes a routine, a tiring proccess that even I tried to do my best, I'll still not be able to acheive anything in the end, and somemore get blamed for it. I tried to go for a hoilday to recharge but then after coming back I felt even more tired. My buddy can even tell me that ppl are suprised that I could managed to get top 2 in BLOC. I asked myself, do i always give ppl the idea that i slack a lot? I concluded, YES. My big boss warned me about continuing being what I am now. He said that to do well in my new job, I would require to change. Change for the better he said. Change to be more positive, be more proactive, be more focus, be more..... alot lah cant remember. I too realised that. but then, how to I ask myself. Its easier to say then to do. As the phase goes, a leopard cant change its spot. I have been thinking the whole day. Am i that leopard? Can i change my spots? Well I do come in second in BLOC and a possible 1st if not for that stupid subject taht i failed. Does that shows that i could do well in everything i put my mind onto? But then what if i cant acheive good results even if I've put in my all? Will I get reprimard (like I have experienced)? In this result orientated society can I survive? Or is it easier to just sit back, take things as it comes and go home with my pay at the end of the month. This goes for serious thinking.

But then to stay in the job, I've no time to think. I've started work already and its been a very tiring week. to think that Ive worked till 9+ for last 3 days (something that hasent happen after since my 1st tour). Well, maybe I'll give the organisation 1 more chance (since I needed the job so bad). I'll start afresh. !st of, i'll cut down on partying (which i've not been doing since Good Fri) and smoke less (pass 3 days only 6 sticks. Record man). Hopefully it will do me good and give me the long lost energy I once had. So to sum up, I'll try my best to equal my upperstudy after 3 months (deadline given by my comd). If I cant do it, I'll make sure that its really that I'm stupid but not because of my attitude.

Never say die until u are dead. Never give up when u are given up by others.